Saturday, June 15, 2013

COURT RECORDERS HAVE THE BEST JOB - #COMEDYHOUR









HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????


make money
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Police man takes the stand and takes on a lawyer in this follow up post.

Follow us on facebook for more lol's: https://www.facebook.com/leakysquid?ref=ts&fref=ts








You may also like these posts
Farmer explains his point of view



Police man takes the stand and takes on a lawyer in this follow up post.


Prosecutors get unusual response from police officer


26 comments:

  1. Omg these attorneys passed a state bar exam?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. sounds like they never passed up a bar in their lives ;)

      Delete
    2. yes the texas state bar exam

      Delete
    3. I think i might be over-qualified to become attorney... excuse-me, can i eat your chair please?

      Delete
  2. Not everyone graduates at the top of their class!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Really funny, but white typeface on black... not smart.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Its Court Reporters. But anyway, its funny.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *It's Court Reporters. But anyway, it's funny.

      Delete
  5. ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
    My favorite! Still laughing!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I imagined a blonde on the stand with most of these..lol

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you for giving the information. I would like to see some more blogs on this topic.
    www.magnals.com

    ReplyDelete
  8. Any sources for these?

    ReplyDelete
  9. I really think it's pretty obvious in some of these that the attorneys needed the witness to state these things ON THE RECORD - it's pretty important in regards to appeals and all the jazz. Not super funny.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Still cannot stop laughing! This made my day!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I've worked in the Court System for over 25 yrs. Attorneys & Witnesses really do say these nutty things. It may not be funny to outsiders, but it provides some comic relief for Court Staff, who have a stressful & many times depressing workplace. One of many examples: Attorney: Mr Jones, how many rooms do you have in your house? Mr Jones: What do you mean by rooms? Attorney: Living spaces, Sir Mr Jones: 5-1/2

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't get that can you explain

      Delete
    2. I don't think your post was complete. It doesn't seem to have an ending.

      Delete
  12. I can't believe this! Those attorneys really need to think before they speak!

    For instance;
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

    ReplyDelete
  13. It's court REPORTERS...not court RECORDERS. You've got to fix that.

    ReplyDelete