Saturday, June 29, 2013

I CAN'T BELIEVE MY CHILD DID THIS IN PUBLIC #MAJOREMBARRASSMENT


My son was learning to button and unbutton things. We were standing in line at Blockbuster and I wasn't paying attention. He unbuttoned my shirt...omg I thought it felt a bit drafty.
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I was wearing one of those wrap-around skirts and while standing on the footpath downtown, waiting for my sister to catch up to us, my 3 yr old precious darling, twirled himself around and spun my whole skirt wide open and flopped onto the footpath.

As if my exposed bottom half wasn't enough ,his cries of protests ,at falling made sure the busy street got a good eyeful

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We took our three year old and his friends to McDonald s for his birthday one year.  We were sitting at the table when a large, well endowed woman walked by.

My son announced, at the top of his little lungs, "MAMA!  THAT  LADY HAS BIIIG BOOBS!".

What do you say?  What can you say?  I never realized just how far parents could melt down into a bench seat.

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While waiting for our turn to go through the checkout,my 4 yr old was staring at this lady ,then in a loud clear voice as only a 4 yr old could have announced.

"Mummy why is that ladies eyes looking at each other"?

(She was cross-eyed).

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When our kids were little, and had to go to the bathroom when we were at home, my husband would tease them, saying "You going to go make a turd?" 

Anyway, it backfired on him big time one day, when we were at the grocery.  Our then 4 year old son was sitting in the cart, with my husband pushing him, when he suddenly announced at the TOP of his lungs "I gotta go make a TURD!"...

And he kept saying it, all the way through the store, as my husband was frantically racing to the restrooms...

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Aw come on, I cannot possibly be the only Mam on the planet whose child used the display toilet in a large DIY centre (B&Q). I left her big sister to explain to staff, I was too busy having hysterics from several aisles away.

Funniest thing ever, especially when you have another daughter almost old enough to pass for her mother

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We were leaving a 'teddy bears picnic' event and there was quite a crowd ,so hubby picked up our almost 3 yr old up to carry him a short distance to the car park.

Son did not want to be picked up, no sir, he wanted to party on, and yelled out no, no, no  please don't hit me!!!....

The kid had never been spanked in his whole life. (until then)

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Now it's your turn ad your comments to this of your most embarrassing times as a parent.




Leakysquid

Friday, June 28, 2013

WHAT NOT TO SAY TO YOUR WIFE WHILE SHOPPING #TRUESTORY


A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket. What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'What do you think the beer was for? and half the price....' HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, June 27, 2013

IT'S OK I FORGIVE HIM #VINES #BESTOFVINES #VINE #FUNNY





Wednesday, June 26, 2013

ARE WE REALLY THAT OLD? #WHEREARETHEYNOW






















MY NEIGHBORS HATE ME FOR A SIMPLE MISUNDERSTANDING.... #BADTIMING


Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me,

Why?

Well, my friends and I were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... suddenly we hear sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.

So we all went running to see what was up, and our neighbor's house was on fire!
When we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, in shock we were just kinda standing there, when she saw us, she stared at us for at least 10 seconds then gave us the dirtiest look ever

Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it...

Talk about bad timing.

Monday, June 24, 2013

ONE CRAZY TIP TO HELP YOU GET OUT OF DEBT #DEBTELIMINATION









Sunday, June 23, 2013

THIS IS THE GERMAN COAST GAURD #WHATAREYOUSINKINGABOUT




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GROWING A BEARD COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE #JUSTDOIT



From sprouting a little scruff to going straight-up Zach Galifianakis, there's good reason to take a break from your razor this summer—and not just because it can speed up your morning routine. Research shows that growing a beard is actually the key to keeping you younger-looking, naturally moisturized, and cancer-free.
Here, five doctor-approved reasons to let your beard grow.

1. Sun Protection
According to recent research from the University of Southern Queensland, beards block up to 95 percent of the sun's UV rays, which can play a huge role in preventing basal-cell carcinomas (the most common form of all cancers). Key stats to know: Four out of five cases in men appear on the face, head, or neck and the sun is to blame for up to 90 percent of the visible signs of aging. So while facial hair won't keep your forehead from developing Jack Nicholsonesque creases, it will keep the bottom half of your face looking young.

2. Blemish-Free Skin
Forgoing the razor doesn't just hide blemishes—it actually prevents them. "Razor rash, acne, and folliculitis [hair-follicle inflammation] are often the result of shaving," said Dr. Shannon C. Trotter, a fellow of the Osteopathic College of Dermatology and a dermatologist at the Ohio State Wexner Medical Center. "Razors can irritate the skin or even spread bacteria, causing an infection of the hair follicle."
3. More Masculinity
There's a reason you'd never steal a lumberjack's lady: The more facial hair a man has, the more masculine both men and women perceive him to be, according to research published in Evolution and Human Behavior. If pure, unadulterated masculinity is what you're going for, let your beard hang low. If you're looking to impress the opposite sex, skip the razor for 10 glorious days in a row; the study found that's the length women find the most attractive.

4. Natural Moisture
You probably didn't know your face has its own built-in moisturizing regimen—it's called your sebaceous glands (oil glands for short) and, according to Trotter, it secretes a natural oil that keeps skin moisturized. A thick beard not only prevents you from rubbing it off of your face, it also protects the face from wind exposure, which leads to redness and dryness (just in case you were planning your next high-altitude climb).

5. Trapped Allergens
Your nose hairs trap more than you think they do. In addition to what you see in a tissue, nose hairs trap pollutants that could actually cause your body harm. So the more hair you have under your airways (read: the bigger your beard), the more pollutants you're snaring every day, according to Dr. Clifford W. Bassett, Allergy and Asthma Care of NY medical director. Just be sure to treat your beard like any other filter and wash it regularly.

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TWO PRODUCTS TO RULE THEM ALL - WD40 OR DUCT TAPE #FIXIT


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Saturday, June 15, 2013

COURT RECORDERS HAVE THE BEST JOB - #COMEDYHOUR









HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????




Try Amazon Music Unlimited 30-Day Free Trial These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

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And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
gin: 0px !important;" width="1" />WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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Police man takes the stand and takes on a lawyer in this follow up post.

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